Mapping Inner Terrain

 Since encountering The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor on Brene Brown’s podcast, my inner terrain has changed; altered by a new way of seeing, borne from another’s creative ideas conveyed through words…through conversation.

Inhabiting my physical body;

becoming better acquainted with her little by little…

whisper by whisper.

I’m happy to hear some of what she says; like “don’t forget to breathe”, and “Relax, you can do this”.

Some I want to reject with all my might; such as, “do you really need that wine?.”

Yes! I want to shout!! Don’t you dare take away this pleasure.

But.

How can I reject my own body? … the “temple of my familiar”, the “close in” ground beneath my feet?

In this new terrain, I truly cannot.

Listening and learning feels vital.

Radical self love sounds so, well, LOUD. It sounds so UNAPOLOGETIC. And that’s the point. Nonetheless I can feel my older self cringe with an automatic urge to disappear…to go offline…fade into the comfortable background of obscurity and uniformity where I’m safe from prying, criticizing eyes and voices.

As I write these words, I identify the location of those criticizing eyes. At first glance, they seem over there to my right…in some perceived audience or jury. It’s then, I realize they are a reflection coming from within. I am sitting here alone, with myself and my thoughts. My thoughts are a mirror. Any “presence”, in reality, is a figment of my imagination created by me.

So much of what goes on at the intersection of my inner and outer world is a result of programming laid down haphazardly and without my informed consent. Whatever or whoever enters the field, affects it either consciously or unconsciously.

I am not my thoughts and I am not my actions which means, this terrain can be altered/altared to conjure another, more intentional and authentic reality.

My body…my pure, sweet, whole-hearted, wide open loving body…entered this world naked and defenseless. The indoctrination began immediately. Now, decades later, with layers and layers of paint covering the original, true image, I have an opportunity to return to that genuine masterpiece…the priceless creation…the original intent…the one, true, authentic design.

The map guiding me back is located right here within my cellular reality. I’m going to pack light and embark on this journey. Forging a partnership with this exquisite vessel of life is key to unlocking and restoring me to original beauty.

A giant thanks to Brene Brown, who has been the instigator of whole-heartedness and life enhancing information for me over and over again. I also want to thank Sonya Renee Taylor for her life changing words.

Finished With Love

This resonates with me.  Recently, I heard an interview between E.J. Koh and Helena De Groot on Poetry Off The Shelf.  Koh says, "I’m researching these stories and histories and interviewing people about trauma, and reading about it. Some of my colleagues ask like, “How can you do this all day? You read these horrific things and incidents all day long, for years. Doesn’t that ever get you down?” you know. And I think, what they don’t realize sometimes is, well, when you interview people about . . .trauma, what we’re also talking about constantly is love. When you’re talking about the most horrific things in history and the things this family did to get through it, we’re always talking about love. That’s where the conversation goes almost every time."  I think it fits nicely with this quote.  kastilwell

She Is Giving Us Ourselves

 ...into holding, into home. "  

NOTE:  SCRIBD truncates the quotes.  

When Hospitality's in Place

 

My Breathing

 

Everything Is Here

 

Tis The Gift

 

How Beautiful Your Broken Is

 

Navigating Thoughts

 I’ve been practicing the concept of directing my thoughts as an orchestra conductor might to create a pleasing symphony of my life and to offset the automatic, default programming laid down in my psyche. I’m consistently awed by the challenges I meet.

Someone in my life recently referred me to some horrific scenarios of what is happening in our country right now. I replied, I do not want to focus my attention on this. Their reply was, “you are avoiding reality.”

Along about the same time, I encountered the quote: “you don’t see the world as it is, you see the world as you are.”

It struck me strongly. At the time, I was hearing the exact same accusations, insinuations, and judgments I was applying toward one political party being hurled by them toward the other side. I thought to myself, “that is a superb example of projection.”

This leads me to the dilemma I’m pondering. The central question is how to direct my thoughts to a higher vibration as a more suitable way to manage things such as anxiety, fear and undue stress without ignoring or dismissing or disengaging from “reality”. (A matter of subjectivity in my view.)

Right now if I’m seeing the world as I am, it is filled with a level of discord, meanness, intolerance, lawlessness, blatant unfairness and hypocrisy I’ve not encountered in 60+ years on this earth. It is really quite unnerving.

It occurs to me that the world is being painted in these colors by what I’m hearing and reading and feeling based on the words and actions of those dominating the public discourse.

“I acknowledge I have the capability of being mean and hateful but I also know to my core that is not who I am.”

It distresses me that my brothers and sisters who some view as different either by color, gender, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, financial status, mental capabilities or physical conditions are treated with open disrespect and hidden animosity. It is especially difficult to witness people who enjoy unearned privileges due to their skin color and/or financial status and/or country of birth, treating others as unworthy of those same privileges.

I seek partnership, collaboration, harmony, and mutually respectful communication. The way I wish to see the world is somewhere objective truth matters. Where mutual respect toward others and this planet are the norm rather than the exception. Where cooperation is commended rather than scorned; where domination is rejected and partnership is celebrated. Where leaders own up to their mistakes, where sincere apology is seen as a sign of bravery and course corrections are welcomed as signs of growth.

Liberty and justice for all are not just words to me. They are values I apply or seek to apply to myself and for all others.

Bearing Its Weight

 

The Times Between

Wouldn't it be something if people could do that?  

Be in a place where we can't tell where one's light ends and another's begins?  kas

 

Begin Again

I prefer to begin again BEFORE we reach the end.  

Let's turn around at the brink and do better.  kas

 

Doing Your Job!

 Sharing this  from Cristal Orrand.  I found it very powerful.  

"From a #painting I did in 1999...

I miss the days when speech was Czech and French and not python and corporate. Today an architect (but not the kind that built the St Charles Bridge) shouted over and over "You're not doing your job!" 

I honestly thought he was quoting someone and couldn't process that he was shouting at me. Not reacting made him angrier, so he pointed his finger in my face and shouted louder "YOU! I mean YOU! You're not doing your job!" (because I had not escalated an incident).

So I thought about it. And I thought about listing the 17 things I do every day at work that are not in fact my job and how impossible the whole situation is, but I thought about it some more and I realized he's right. He's wrong the way he meant it, but on a metaphysical level, it was actually quite profound.

I am not doing my job because my job is not to escalate. My job is not to clean up for idiot men who don't want to play nice in the sandbox. And my job sure as shit is not to battle every day to "prove my value". 

This isn't my job because it isn't my purpose. My purpose in this life is to connect, not shatter trust. My purpose is to create peace, not escalate. My purpose is to love and work and protect and grow relentlessly. My job is to amalgamate and to create possibilities where none existed. 

10 or 15 years ago I would have stewed on this for months. I'm still upset, but within hours I can take shit and turn it into something useful. Sucks, but I'm only going to say thank you for pushing me one more step closer to what I want. Thank you, for turning me away from what I don't need. This was 1999, and this was today. I still don't know where I belong. But I'm getting closer to finding it." 

Powerful Thoughts

 So easy to say...so easy to write...not so easy to do, in my experience.  kas

SpiderWeb

 

Squandering?

 

How To Be Alone By Pádraig Ó Tauma

 How to Be Alone

It all begins with knowing

nothing lasts forever.

So you might as well start packing now.

But, in the meantime,

practice being alive.

There will be a party

where you’ll feel like

nobody’s paying you attention.

And there will be a party

where attention’s all you’ll get.

What you need to do

is know how to talk to

yourself

between these parties.

And,

again,

there will be a day,

— a decade —

where you won’t

fit in with your body

even though you’re in

the only body you’re in.

You need to control

your habit of forgetting

to breathe.

Remember when you were younger

and you practiced kissing on your arm?

You were on to something then.

Sometimes harm knows its own healing

comfort its own intelligence.

Kindness too.

It needs no reason.

There is a you

telling you a story of you.

Listen to her.

Where do you feel

anxiety in your body?

The chest? The fist? The dream before waking?

The head that feels like it’s at the top of the swing

or the clutch of gut like falling

& falling & falling and falling

It knows something: you’re dying.

Try to stay alive.

For now, touch yourself.

I’m serious.

Touch your

self.

Take your hand

and place your hand

some place

upon your body.

And listen

to the community of madness

that

you are.

You are

such an

interesting conversation.

You belong

here

By Pádraig Ó Tauma

Have to share this poem which crossed my path by way of Mysterial Woman and Collective Trauma Summit.  A new favorite poet.  kas

Trust