To Whom It Definitely Concerns

 TO WHOM IT DEFINITELY CONCERNS, please accept this letter as formal notification that I am resigning from the position of My Own Worst Enemy. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to lower my standards so far they could win a limbo contest against a crumb. I’ve been honored to serve as the server at the banquet where I eat myself alive. The day I was hired I could never have imagined how many employee-of-the-month plaques I’d acquire from breaking the standing record for standing in my own way. In this position I’ve grown continuously, like bacteria in a staph infetion. I had no idea that holding myself back would be contagious. I would like to have a different kind of impact on the future company I keep. The scene I made during our last team building exercise woke me to the need for a change. I know the young people in the office are still shaken by my refusal to catch myself in the trust fall. I apologize for that gory display. Moving forward, I’ll be pursuing opportunities in another field, preferably one where break rooms are for resting and not for breaking promises to the person I hope to become. I fully intend to replace whatever dreams I shattered when I was beating myself up. I have no idea where I learned “punching in” was a literal term. If I had known better, I would have called in sick in the head. I accepted this position initially because I believed it came with the very best insurance plan. How could I fall to my death from the ground floor? Over the years, however, I’ve gotten increasingly familiar with the fine print of the benefits. Turns out, there are no benefits when the co-pay is your life. I understand it’s customary to give two weeks’ notice, but I’ve only got two minutes, and in those minutes I will: 1) Fire my inner critic, or at least demote it to part time. 2) Assure my passions have the tools they need to unionize with my actions. 3) Sit naked on the photocopy machine so there are one hundred copies of my ass to kiss when I’m gone. Though I suspect it won’t bode well for acquiring a positive referral letter, it’s important I state that I’m unwilling to train a replacement in this position. It is my suggestion that the job be eliminated altogether and that no future person take on the task. If I can aid in the transition, please let me know. Sincerely, __________________________

Andrea Gibson. You Better Be Lightning (Button Poetry) (pp. 39-40). (Function). Kindle Edition.