I debated vigorously with myself about posting this because
I hate being afraid; so much so I get angry
and when I get angry, I get vengeful.
I don't like myself when I'm vengeful
because when I'm vengeful, I get petty and mean.
It's rather horrifying, honestly.
Almost as horrifying as what I'm afraid of.
(I hope this makes sense.)
I'm slowly learning it doesn't have to be this way.
As much as I struggle with "you must do it afraid";
perhaps that is the answer even as I shrink away from it.
Not in a "you have to do everything you feel you're called to do" way,
but in a "you've got this. Yes, this is hard,
really hard, but you can do it and do it
with grace and dignity" way.
The alternative is to hide my head and
let the fear win...let the horror win.
That's unacceptable.
You know what? It's not about winning or losing.
It's about being able to tell myself I showed up
even when I really, REALLY didn't want to.
This river, our river is more than a physical river
worthy of profound respect and care.
For me, she symbolizes the river of goodness
flowing through all of us whether we act like it or not.
The physical river will come back, in time...lots of time...
She is resilient and strong in that way.
Yet, this is now and I am here and this matters.
The river matters now.
Truth and fairness matter.
Goodness matters.
Namaste'
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