Frayed and Nibbled Survivor

Aren't we all "frayed and nibbled survivors in a fallen world"?

On this Equinox, a day of equal light and dark,

I dedicate this post to Annie Dillard who put

words together in stunning arrangements

of complicated and unexpected beauty.

"I am not washed and beautiful, in control of

a shining world where everything fits, but instead 

am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for..."

every word speaks of reverence for the magnificence of our Earth

in all its tattered glory.

May this Autumn Equinox bring us closer

to actual equality for all.

 

Let It All In

 Let It All In

Let it all in

the habitual scurrying thoughts 

about how best to use this time 

the space heater warming the chilled air 

of this October morning.

the facebook post remembering my brother 

absent on earth since 2017..dead at age 47

My mother's sister...left earth yesterday

a few days short of her 99th birthday.

Let it all in.

the stack of books awaiting my eyes

the pile of yarn awaiting needles and my fingers 

the watercolor supplies for the online painting lessons 

with my daughters and granddaughters. 

the candle softly swaying in the corner in the center of 

my circle of women sculpture 

next to the "wild unknown" tarot cards

today's card is "the storm"

yesterday's was "the thread"

Let it all in.

the thoughts still scurrying 

although calmer now 

the lightening sky...

no vivid colors of sunrise 

rather a soft steady dispelling of the darkness 

revealing the autumn colors of the trees 

alive on Black Mountain across the pasture... 

the chipmunk hoovering the bird seed 

strewn on the deck railing...for the birds.

Let it all in

 the email from my sisters 

the text from a nephew

Heather's email spelling out the state of our country...

her words a grim reminder of ugly forces

Rosemerry Trommer's daily poem

"Because Last Night I Dreamed of You" 

her words a marvel to my soul

My own post about "joy strewn everywhere"

Let it all in

The river of life alive in my mind... 

carrying me places I have yet to discover.

I don't want to miss one moment of it 

even as it slips so swiftly away 

leaving traces and fragments 

carrying me perpetually forward 

with or without my regard.

KAStilwell 2022

Have You Ever Seen

“The way the sun  every evening,  relaxed and easy,

floats toward the horizon and into the clouds or the hills,

or the rumpled sea, and is gone–

and how it slides again out of the blackness, every morning,

on the other side of the world.”

As much as I love Mary Oliver's devotion to the sun,

there are days of intense heat where I find myself 

not so enamored with it.  

That being said, I most certainly 

would not want to live without it.

 

Perhaps Art Is Simply This

"something the world can hold onto 

after we are done feeling it."

This gives art a whole new dimension in my world.

I confess to missing the piece about conveying a feeling.

My thoughts seem to drive my art activity.

I'm intrigued by this slant on things.

"perhaps that is why we make beautiful things,

because some moments are too precious

to let them disappear."

This reverberates inside...it invites me

to pay way more attention to these precious moments

and explore ways to make lovely things to honor them.

 

Invisible Work

"the way worms in the garden tunnel ceaselessly so the

earth can breathe and bees ransack this world into being."

Worms have a special place in my heart due to their diligent,

unglamorous, labor beneath the surface, in the dark.

There are mothers for everything, and the sea is a mother too,

whispering and whispering to us long after we have stopped listening.

This wants to break my heart into tiny pieces.  The grief of

how the sea is treated...as a dumping ground for debris by the ton,

is constant and heavy, yet, I keep telling myself we can heal this.

We can turn things around...listen to the whispering...

hear the message from the deep...alter the trajectory 

and restore healthy balance.

 

The Blue

"the zone where the unexpected dwells,

waiting to come out of it in the shape of bolts."

Honestly not crazy about the shape of bolts even

though that is the way the unexpected typically arrives, isn't it?

"I am at home with this heaven of the unforeseen. . ."

I am decidedly NOT at home with this...

although I find myself getting just a tiny bit better

at not going to pieces when unexpected 

inconveniences occur.

I've learned that I can actually 

take a breath and adjust

with a strong measure of grace 

and a great deal of 

quiet/outloud whining.

Isn’t it interesting?

I assume the unexpected

will be inconvenient...or worse.

Hello!! Good things happen

unexpectedly also!!

No whining necessary.

 

Swaddling The Sorrow

"Swaddle the Sorrow"

Such a tender, tender way to treat sorrow,

to wrap it tightly in a warm blanket,

hold it close to your heart and 

croon soft tunes of understanding.

Allowing it to scream and wail and thrash

around as it weeps through the sorrow

is no small gift...it is mighty care. 

Walking floors, rocking for hours,

the sorrow will surge and subside,

surge and subside...slowly giving way

to exhaustion and calm.

"when something feels safe enough

to be what it is, it can't help but lift,

drift, can't help but slip into

something more comfortable."

 

Except For The Body

While I  agree that next to a loved one,

"trees are [one of] the most beautiful forms on the earth."

Rivers are coming to mind, 

spider webs, 

sunflowers,

all kinds of flowers,

waterfalls,

mountains,

grass of parnassus,

moss,

this list goes on and on.

Aren't we the fortunate ones to live on this Earth?

Aren't we the fortunate ones to die on this Earth

and become part of it?

 

I No Longer Pray

Oh my, can you imagine living in such a manner?

To know when to recede and when to rise?

I'd like to believe that the overwhelming majority of us

who are NOT happy with how things are going

have fingers on the button advising us

as when to recede (now) and when to rise.

I feel poised for the go ahead to rise. 

May it come at just the right time

with just the right set of instructions

and may we all answer the call.

To never mistake either for defeat?

It wasn't long ago that I found myself

writing I was allergic to win/lose language.

It felt like it came out of nowhere yet

I realized in the typing how true it was.

We are recalibrating...adjusting dials...

correcting the skewed course our country

is currently on.  

This vessel will listen to the winds of hearts

and adjust the route we're taking...

unto a path that moves us toward

the values we cherish.

I know you know what they are.

We're in this together.

We have what it takes to make it happen.

 

How Would You Live Then?

This poem animates the world around us

in such enchanting ways you can't help but 

start to see things from this perspective.

I'm not entirely sure I want a mockingbird as an advisor,

but I would gladly welcome an owl, a horse; nor

would I refuse a spider or an earthworm. 

If forced to choose one, I would have to go for the spider

with it's amazing creative capabilites.  

The more I consider this, the more creatures come to mind,

I'm going to have to create a roundtable of cabinet members.

We all know, sad as it is, if the bees were filling our walls 

with honey, the exterminator would be getting a call, right?

I would be forever grateful for a brook sliding downhill 

next to my bedroom window..it's all the prayer I need.

I raise a glass, tip my hat and bend a knee

 to the silver of water and the gold of sunflowers. 

 

The Anniversary We Needed

This is tardy for the actual anniversary but 

still powerful and seems fitting for 9/11 anniversary as well.

"grief is an active ingredient in the soil of necessary change."

I do not relish that this is true.  Sorrow is HARD

and there are many ways to avoid stepping into it,

yet it is vital for our health and wellbeing...

it makes us more complete human beings.

"this moment looks, of course, like a win for the old ways, 

but if you see through the clouded waters you'll find that the final

gasps of power are coming from an empty, crumbling stage."

May it crumble fast and contribute its compost

to a more just, dignified and healthy world for all.

"let us do as our founding document requires 

and declare our hearts for something greater--

not for the nation we have or have been, 

but the one we believe we can be."

My heart replies with a fervent yes, yes, yes. may it be so.

 

The Word Human

"let the earth do what it is here to do:

hold you, steady you.

As is often the case, I nod my head yes as I read this,

and then a tiny question arises...well, what about

that time you read how David Whyte

described his experience when an earthquake

took the earth out from under him?

Ok, yes, that can happen, and its no small matter,

so lets REALLY appreciate when it holds and steadies.

"...your heart, aired out. . .the whole sky moving in."

This is an alluring image to embody.

I often gaze at the sky with deep appreciation,

but have never considered it moving in.

It's an intoxicating invitation which I will

RSVP yes to every time I see the sky from now on.

"While your body speaks in its mother tongue."

Love, love, love this line.

Round of applause for May. 

 

Misty

"my insignificance thrills me."

For someone who spends a great deal of energy bolstering my self worth 

in order to undo the programming of said insignificance, 

this is unexplored territory.

"Knowing my place" in the universe...

in relation to time and size is 

an excellent place to get going.

This does not mean we are worthless!

This is where two opposites 

can learn to walk arm in arm...

We ARE signficant...

as signficant as every other entity

in this cosmos...nothing and no one

is less or more than we are.

This is a vast terrain of mind shifts...

I am as significant as a mosquito,

a fruit fly, poison ivy, deer flies...

And we are all infinitesimally small

in relation to this endless universe we live in. 

It all boils down to equality, doesn't it?

To have this playground of thought

lead to a place of loving everything

and everyone is enchanting. 

I'm a yes.  

 

I Confess

"What aisle did you find your serenity in.  . .?

I would love to exude serenity as described here.

Actually, I'd settle for a crown of snowy braids...

erect bearing and radiating tenderness.

as well as “beaming peace like the North Star”; 

These references to serenity, radiating tenderness and 

beaming peace make me aware of how programmed I am to rush.  

My DNA seems to contain a loudspeaker 

blaring HURRY! on an endless loop.   

I'm someone who picks up on the vibes 

of the space I’m in, so when people around me are rushing 

it triggers this competitive, ruthless, mindless 

impulse toward speed.
Three things come to mind as I consider this:
One where the sense of rush is strong is in the airport 

with a river of people all hurrying to get where they're headed...
This happens most often as I’m returning from a trip and eager to get home.

 I pick up on the rush energy and join in with gusto.  
Another is when I’m driving and another vehicle pulls up behind me 

clearly wanting to get around.  I immediately start looking for a place 

to pull over  so they can pass.  I do not do this kindly...just saying...it irks me.
The third is when I have an appointment and I’m running late.  

The loudspeaker picks up speed and volume then.  

The need for approval plus perfection join hands and hit the gas.

I ask myself  why the rush? 

I respond, there’s a list:
1. there’s a rush to knock out mundane tasks in order to get to 
the next "beguiling experiment, or enticing activity...
”should I linger over these dirty dishes or go play in my art studio?” 
2. to get somewhere where I can relax and unwind, ie: home.
3. somewhere I don’t have to meet expectations, 
4. fulfill an obligation, 
5. to escape something that’s going to 

steal time from me...as in rush hour traffic 

16. so as not to miss my turn in 

whatever fun thing is coming up.

I'm hoping these desires can grant this 

"beaming peace like the North Star" anyway.

Activist

"True Activism means to gently immerse your 

whole astonished body in the river of Presence."

These days there seems to be a strong, strong need

for activism.   "Do something" is the refrain 

I hear running circles in my mind.

The next question is, what can I do?

It's refreshing to hear

 "gently immersing our whole body in ... 

the river of Presence" falls under the definition.

This is guidance that removes

the panic and sense of helplessness that tends

to follow me around.

I know its critical to pay attention;

to act when compelled to do so

in whatever way we are called.

"To drown in the mystery of communion

with whoever stands before you, and serve them by being.

Out of being, doing arises."

I will call it to mind when I'm emailing, texting,

speaking on the phone as well as standing before someone.

"The politics of compassion has no party, and no platform.

This is your native country.  It is all sacred homeland.

One thing I remember about my days in the TV field

long ago. I watched a man shoot a news report or a commercial,

I don't remember which, in the tiny little office of the station.

I was struck by how small the whole affair was

and noticed how watching it on TV made it

somehow seem more significant.

All the media coming at us is being produced

in tiny rooms by ordinary people.

 

Joy Conditioning

"So do this in your next joyful moment--take pause

pay attention to the constellation of light 

shining singularly into your life."

Practice, practice, practice...

this is not automatic behavior in my world.

I suspect it might be the same for you.  

Work the muscle of pause...

perform repetitions of paying attention to the sparkle.

"Let this memory embed itself into your body

as a fiber of truth you return to when all alone

and full of self-doubt, . . .even if all you have

to hold on to is this one twitch of joy..."

Turn that twitch into an inner tattoo 

maybe on the back of your hand so you see it often?

Let it repeat itself over and over with your breath.

Recall it whenever you sit down or change position.

Remember it when your joints object to your movements.

Let it reverberate with every step you take.

There are numerous ways to embed it into our bones. 

It's more than worth the effort...to harness joy;

to carry our inherent goodness on our sleeves

where all can see....especially ourselves.