Infinity

This feels appropriate after yesterday's silence.  

Infinity has been a fascination of mine since I was seven years old.

It continues to confound me as it fills me with wonder.

There is so much we do not know.

May our hearts remain open to expansion and evolution.

May we, as humans, continue to grow toward goodness.

kastilwell

 

Porous and Multilingual

I confess, I'm not sure I want to be more porous and multilingual.  

It often feels like there is already so much nuance and subtlety to absorb, 

it feels overwhelming. . .even stupifying.  

I guess that's where the agreements and disagreements come into play?

I'll be pondering this thought for awhile.

kastilwell

 

What Words Would Love

Today, I would love to be a river.  "Where the silence of time becomes almost audible."  May I find the way to live my life as one...metaphorically.  kastilwell
 

Wild Desire for the Question

 As I go about my typical routine, day after day after day, I ask myself how much of my thinking has really changed?  Have I discovered any new doorways?  Explored possibilities on my very familiar horizon?  I'm noticing how much of my movement follows a set pattern.  

Contemplating ways to shift things up a bit even as part of me welcomes habits.  They keep me grounded and centered.  It's a tango. (Or maybe a slow waltz).  A friendly exchange between the familiar routine and some new dance steps.    kastilwell

A Real Conversation With The Landscape

I'm in the midst of The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah.  So far it has served up a SHARP attitude adjustment about what it means to suffer hardship.  I will recall this story whenever I feel the slightest bit sorry for myself.  This is NOTHING compared to what others have endured.  NOTHING.  

Which brings me to the idea of "a real conversation with the landscape".  Although there are those whose work converses intimately with the earth, there are many of us whose work is at least a step or two removed from the natural elements.  Wouldn't it be something if we could find a way to return our work (and our play) to the elements described in this quote?  It's far easier to do so here in these mountains.  How can those living in cityscapes connect their work and their play to the natural world?  It seems it would take some intense focus and creative connections to do so.  But I believe it can be done no matter where one lives or what one does for work. kastilwell

 

Live Like A River Flows

 Far easier said than done.  

Reflecting on the ways 

a river misbehaves.

Overflowing banks.

Flooding basements.

Pondering its various moods.

Savage with storms,

Quiet in calm,

Carrying away debris.

Pooling in deep spots.

Flowing around obstacles.

Creating new paths;

deepening old ones.

Always a marvel of

fluid beauty

capable of

a fierce kind of power

to refresh and rejuvenate.

kastilwell

Stories From Our Landscape

I believe we women are recovering our stories from 

whatever piece of earth we are rooted in at this moment.  

So many of us are doing our part to evolve humankind to a new level of existence. 

To heal and honor our planet, our universe, and our systems of governance.

May we continue the conversations and actions leading to 

deeper truth,

truer justice,

and a just equality

for all living beings 

and the ground we live on.

kastilwell

 

Dark With Silences

This quote reaches deep, deep down inside me in ways I do not welcome.  

How many times have I experienced the unnatural silences?  

The termination of a creation due to factors I was unaware were working against me?  

Factors such as fear, embarrassment, uncertainty.  

The circumstances I was born into programmed me to seek "perfection".   

Perfection with an arbitrary, abstract and "unnatural" definition. 

Rather than being programmed for "perfection", 

if I could go back and choose my programming, 

I would have it be a welcoming of imperfection.  

It would applaud the awkward attempts 

to bring what is yearning to live within me 

into the open where it could survive and thrive 

or cease to be in a natural way.  

Meanwhile, I hold the silences like a crucifixion in the hopes 

they will lead me to encounter the same path Jesus found.  

kastilwell

Note:  (My first choice of words to begin this were "man oh man" then "boy oh boy".  I've rejected both.  Why do I do that?)

Be Willing to Stand Out

 This quote has been on my radar for a few days.  Yesterday I was confronted with the tension of the conflict inside of me about it. 

Case in point:  I've been using cardboard boxes as mulch and weed block around the yard and in the garden for a few months.  Ideally, it would be hidden by a layer of leaves but over the winter, the cardboard is on full display.  Not as pretty as I would like but I've endured it due to its usefulness...(function over form).  A workman came yesterday to tend to an issue we were having and asked what all the cardboard was for.  (I didn't consider it any of his business).  My partner told him I used it for mulch.  "There sure is alot of it", was his reply.  

Hearing about this exchange immediately sent me into my automatic, programmed response of wanting to go clean up all the cardboard due to the "disapproval" (of a stranger! ) I've been wrestling with this since it happened.  I mentally took myself by the shoulders, looked myself in the metaphorical eye and said, "are you going to let someone else dictate how you live your life?" 

So, like the quote says, I'm practicing living my fullest life regardless of what anyone might say or think. I'm learning to live into a conversation where there are those who question and criticize me and staying true to myself in spite of it.  It's cardboard for pity sake!  But it sure does make for good practice material.  

kastilwell

Note: Image by Gilbert Stuart

The Stream That Waters The Night

Even though my programming dictates it as a waste of potential and time,

 following the thread of what I'm doing is something I'm rather proficient in.  

Another instance where thoughts matter.

I'm documenting this quote as a reminder.

To shift the critical voice to one of trusting the flow.

kastilwell

No Simple Key To Peace

It might be time to examine how I define peace.  

After these past months of 

drama, disruption, and dismantling, 

peace doesn't feel adequate to me.

I find myself leaning toward cultivation,

attending to the environment...

the global environment, for sure

but also my inner environment.

Peace feels like a centering;

a return to rootedness

in the natural order of things. 

It feels like a review of values

a discernment of priorities;

and a recommitment to intentional living.

It feels like an invitation 

to a curious conversation

and an ongoing exchange 

with all the elements and experiences

crossing my path,

and entering my personal orbit.

It has a rhythm and movement 

a play of darkness and light

a steady pulse.

A pull of expansion. 

An activation.

An overflowing.

kastilwell

 

 

Wisdom as Water

I don't completely agree with this quote.

I agree that Wisdom is like water.  

In my mind, Wisdom overflows containers.

Wisdom cannot be captured.  

In my mind, churches 

(and individuals and societies) 

have attempted

to capture and contain Wisdom 

from the beginning of time.  

In my mind, they have failed to do so.

That's where mystery and awe

and wonder enter.

It is what remains beyond

 walls and words.

Beyond containers.

kastilwell 

Transmutation

 Noticing the friction...the tense, frozen, pressured and confused places within and without.  

Exploring them with curiosity and acceptance...or attempting to...

without judgement...censure...dismissal or disdain.  

Welcoming them, even, as signs of the third way, 

beyond the duality, the either/or of automatic thinking. 

Turning my sights in hopeful anticipation of what is coming to life.  

A world where truth, real justice and collaboration 

are no longer wishes 

but reality for all. 

kastilwell 

Law of Three

 This concept immediately ignites my tension of the opposites.  

As I reflect on my desire to banish the perpetrators of the attack on our democracy, 

I am thrust right into the thick of it.  

Everything in me wants "them" cast out.  

The Law of Three turns that around and upside down. 

I am now looking at my own need to obliterate "them".  

Wondering how there could possibly be a field of possibility 

large enough to contain this fierce and fertile friction.  

Yet, the idea is intriguing and enticing.  

Wars have been fought and 

countless people have suffered and died 

in the name of us versus them;

in the inability to harness the tension. 

Isn't it marvelous to imagine a new way 

where there is room enough and grace enough 

to welcome the tension,

welcome the friction,

recognize the opportunity

and create something anew?

Let. It. Be.

kastilwell

 

Path of Water

 Water has me fascinated right now.  

I've been envisioning myself turning to liquid 

in order to soften and melt the hard and painful places within.  

A walk in the pouring rain yesterday had me observing the many paths 

rainwater was taking along the side of the road.  

It has me pondering when water rushes and when water forms a puddle.  

When it diverges into tributaries and when it makes a straight shot down the slope. 

The power of water has many facets I want to explore.

  The human body is 60% water.  

It feels rather like coming home to myself.

kastilwell

I Am Water

Recently, I've been envisioning myself as liquifying.  

Imagining the stiff and frozen places within

melting into liquid, flowing into the ether. 

(Yes, the wicked witch of the west crosses my mind.)

It's been a wonderful falling asleep tonic.  

Yesterday, I used it while walking to see if it would help some 

painful areas recently activated. 

The pain didn't disappear but 

it did diminish and I was grateful.  

I love the idea of liquifying...

Rigid, inflexible places

softening

melting

letting go of 

what is holding them bound.

Releasing them into

a new form.

Seeping into the soil

surrounding them.

Moistening the clay.

Cleansing the rocks.

In conversation

with the ground

around me.

kastilwell

 PS:  Happy 20th to a special someone.  

Dynamic Tension = Immense Creativity

 I'm thinking about cycles these days.  

Cycles and contradiction and the tension of the opposites.  

It helps to think of the discomfort we're feeling these days as dynamic tension.  

It is reassuring to imagine this crucible of disequilibrium 

is the womb of creativity where a new world is being formed. 

(Someone immensely dear is celebrating a birthday today.)

kastilwell

This quote comes from "When Women Were Birds" by Terry Tempest Williams

A Wand and a Weapon

 I get a chill and a thrill when I read this.  She discusses how she uses a pencil because it allows her to erase and replace words until she's satisfied with her "magic" (my word).  This was supposed to go out yesterday.  Life has been a tiny bit topsy turvy this week so far and its only Tuesday!  kastilwell

My Voice Dwells Within Silence

 I hope to find my voice hidden beneath the staunch silence 

almost always drowned out by persistent chatter and distraction 

even in these quiet days.  

I will add strength training to my will-power, 

starch to my determination, 

patience to my practice, 

and courage to my spine.

I must remember to wrap 

a blanket of tenderness 

across my shoulders

for every awkward attempt.  

kastilwell

Deserves To Be Heard

 I am finding myself re-enthralled with TTW's "When Women Were Birds".  

However, a question arises as I contemplate this quote.

What if the voice is spewing lies and hatred?

Does it still require the act of listening?

I'm not so sure about this.  

Continuing to ponder.  

kastilwell

Voices Within Us Begin

 

 I've heard the first voice we heard was our grandmother's 

since the egg we are created from is present in the womb of our mother 

while she is in her own mother's womb.  

This egg is present five months prior to our mother's birth.  

I find this a mighty "fertile" thought!  

This quote is from a book titled 

When Women Were Birds; Fifty Four Variations on Voice by TTW.  

As my mother's life on earth winds down, 

and her voice dissolves into memory loss and confusion, 

I treasure the idea that her strong, clear voice still lives in my cells. 

I have no conscious memory of my maternal grandmother 

but I've heard enough about her to know 

I am fortunate to have her voice 

reverberating within me as well.  

kastilwell

Notes:  Want to calculate the vintage of the egg you came from?  Take your mother’s date of birth and subtract about 20 weeks.That’s true because unlike males, who constantly generate sperm after they hit puberty, girls are born with their one and only lifetime supply of eggs.  Around the 20th week of gestation, a female fetus has developed a reproductive system, including 6 to 7 million eggs in her ovaries.The matrilineal line looks much like a nested Russian doll.The egg that created you was formed inside of your mother’s fetus while she was inside of your grandmother’s womb.  

Strongest Kind of Hope

I would not call this kind of hope sad.  

Might it be that spiraling back into yourself is the preferred way?

Might it take us to the most intimate and unique pieces of ourselves?

I believe our gift to this world lives there.

Walking a different path yesterday 

helped me realize that my life's path is a spiral 

rather than a straight road...

it goes out and circles back in a 

mysterious cycle of darkness and light,  

growth and hope.

kastilwell

 

Empty Spaces

 I don't know about courage

but I do know about empty spaces.

It's a new way of thinking to 

acquaint the often painful empty places

with courage.

kastilwell

It's Worth It

 After a night in the throes of wakeful discomfort,

it's good to be reminded "it's all worth it".

Even when feeling decidedly distant from worthy.

Dwelling on how impermanent everything is

helps in bearing the momentary lack of bliss.

It helps to put it in perspective. 

Letting go of the debris of what has passed.

Embracing the "full draft" of what is 

in whatever vehicle it presents itself.

kastilwell

The Earth Calls Us

 Having an administration treat our Earth

with the attention and action so necessary

and so long overdue is heartening.

May we all do our part to rectify

our past mistakes in attending to her.

May we collaborate in restoring her to health.

Hope is a vital energy.

kastilwell